Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

What do you do when you come across a situation where there is a strong desire inside your heart and mind for that situation to work in your favor but your eyes and ears betray you? Judging from my first sentence in this entry, I am guessing that this will not be the most eloquent post I will ever publish. If reading that first line already causes you confusion, I apologize. I masked the "situation" I am talking about in words because I sincerely want "it" to be between me and the Lord. Yes, it is that big of a deal. When it means so much to me, I know that the only One to Whom I can run and talk about it really is my Father. 

And you may be wondering that if I really want this to be between me and the Lord, why am I writing an entry about it. Well, much as I would like to talk about "it", I would rather focus on sharing what this journey is teaching me. 

Ever since I started praying about "it" the Lord has taken me into an interesting journey of ups and downs. And for all those times, He leads me back to the truth that He is in control. His sovereignty is upon "it". There are times when my  heart is overflowing with FAITH that my mind believes of the possibility of "it". But then, something happens that my eyes and ears seem to dampen my spirits. I guess that's just how it is. Walang favoritism ang Lord. He gives what He deems good for us; and He never makes mistakes. So, for all those awful times that my eyes and ears come across, I have learnt to shrug them off and believe that the Lord knows what He is doing. For the times that He lifts my spirits, I thank Him that He allows these things to come my way.

This journey also has led me to a very powerful statement, which, to my surprise was actually in His Word. Why am I surprised? Because for the past months, I have been hounded by this statement. "HELP MY UNBELIEF." For those kind enough to follow me on my Twitter account, occasionally, you would come across a tweet like this: "In my mind and heart I believe the possibility of it, but my eyes and ears betray me." This talks about my somewhat struggle on this area of my life. 

So there, I always ask God to "help my unbelief". Because Lord knows how, in so many instances, my heart would "bleed" because I do not "like" what I see or hear. In several occasions, it has brought me to my hands and knees, literally crying to my Father, out of that overwhelming desire for Him to make "it" happen for me. But my Father has always been faithful to comfort me and restore peace and quiet in my heart. Once I have let out all the tears, I feel His everlasting arms wrapped around me, making me feel that everything is just going to be fine.

With this "help my unbelief" journey, the Lord has surprised me in more ways than one with this line. But the best thing about it is that this statement was always followed by an assurance that my Father is there to help me overcome my unbelief. So let me share with you these special instances where the Lord confronted me with His truth:

From a song currently in my playlist...

They Just Believe 

Written by Josh Wilson and Phillip Larue

You say with a mustard seed of faith

That I can make a mountain move

But sometimes I am so afraid

Even though I know it’s true

Because my faith feels just like doubt

I don't know what to pray right now

Oh I believe, please help my unbelief

Jesus, give me grace to trust what I cant see

Your ways are not my own

Some things I'll never know

But You say blessed are the ones who never see

They just believe

So now, with a heart full of questions

I come to You just as I am

All my weakness all my fears

All I've run from all these years

In the middle of my doubt

Somehow still I'm finding out

I believe, please help my unbelief

Jesus, give me grace to trust what I cant see

Your ways are not my own

Some things I'll never know

But You say blessed are the ones who never see

They just believe,   

They just believe

(Help my unbelief)

When my faith feels just like doubt

I believe, yeah, oh I believe

Oh I believe, please help my unbelief

Jesus, give me grace to trust what I cant see

Your ways are not my own

Some things Ill never know

But You say blessed are the ones who never see

Oh , You say blessed are the ones who never see

They just believe  (Jesus, I believe),

They just believe  (Help my unbelief) 

They just believe  (Jesus, I believe),

Help me believe    (Help my unbelief)

From an old hymn I got re-acquainted recently...

Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior

Words: Fanny Crosby

Music: W. Howard Doane

Pass me not, O gentle Savior,

Hear my humble cry;

While on others Thou art calling,

Do not pass me by.

Savior, Savior,

Hear my humble cry;

While on others Thou art calling,

Do not pass me by.

Let me at Thy throne of mercy

Find a sweet relief,

Kneeling there in deep contrition;

Help my unbelief.

Trusting only in Thy merit,

Would I seek Thy face;

Heal my wounded, broken spirit,

Save me by Thy grace.

Thou the Spring of all my comfort,

More than life to me,

Whom have I on earth beside Thee?

Whom in Heav’n but Thee?

And from the Book that has never failed to let God's promises shine...

Mark 9:24

And straightway the father of the child cried out, 

and said with tears, 

Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

With all of these special moments with God confronting me and assuring me that He's got me in His hands, what's a daughter got to do but to hold on to the hands Who holds everything in its place. The Lord gave it to me in a song, in a hymn, and in a Bible verse. I seem to have everything I need to go through this "help my unbelief" journey.

I will not lie, I would really like to have the Lord's favor be on my side on this particular prayer. My control freak and impatient self would sometimes lead me to pains and tears because I would ask Him to make it happen now. There have been days where my faith is weak and this tears my heart to pieces. But these not-so-pleasant times also come as blessings in disguise. Since I started praying for "this", I have been taught to wait patiently for Him, to trust Him, and to believe that He alone knows what's best for me. I am slowly being shaped into a mindset that "IF THE LORD SEES THAT IT IS GOING TO BE GOOD FOR ME, HE IS GOING TO GIVE IT TO ME. IF IT IS NOT GOING TO BRING ME ANY GOOD, MY FATHER IS GOING TO SPARE ME FROM IT."

Last Christmas, my mom and dad gave me something to put up in my room. I was looking for something like that but with the word "GRACE". Here it is:

I've always wondered why they weren't able to find "Grace". But I know now why these were give to me, I am going to need it to my "help my unbelief" journey. The Lord really knows what He is doing! Praise Him!

Whenever I think about how my eyes and ears betray me with the things I see and hear and doubt seems to be lurking in the corner, the Lord is quick to remind me what His Word and my favorite author, Elisabeth Elliot, kept on saying:

For we walk by faith, not by sight. - 2 Corinthians 5:7

"We walk by FAITH, not by sight."

I honestly do not know how the Lord will work, especially in the days to come. I am scared. I am anxious. But maybe, I have to rely on what the Lord impresses in my heart and mind, trusting that they are from Him. I know there will be days and nights when I will cry out to Him out of overwhelming fear and anxiety over this. But I also know that like a Father to His child, He will be there to wrap His arms around me and tell me that He knows what is best for me. I will not deny that I really want "it" to happen. Seriously. And I will also admit that I am currently struggling to come to terms with the possibility that "it" might not. Whatever happens, whether it goes "my" way or not, if it is going to be painful, I know that that pain is not going to stay forever. Everything will come to pass.

I know that everything seems to be a blur right now since I really cannot go into specifics. But pray with me for the Lord's favor. I really hope that one day, I will have an entry and share with you a story, carefully written by my Father. A story of...

But in the meantime, while I deal with "this" with my Father, I am just thankful that "this" has brought me to my hands and knees, ever-desiring to be in my Father's arms. So for now, this is where I am...this is where my Father has taken me...

This is where my Father has brought me and I know that even if in my  prayer times I only pray about "it", the bigger lesson He is teaching me is He should be my first resort, He should be the One I should cling on to for anything and everything that my troubled heart is going through. And I know that this truth applies to you too. So whatever you are going through, wherever you are in your journey with Him, trust that He is with us, He sees what is going on, He desires to give nothing but the best for us.

If you're experiencing unbelief like I am, ask God to help you overcome your unbelief. Because He can. And He will.